- Adult Jokes -
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My wife doesn't use it

A wife arriving home from a shopping trip was horrified to find her husband in bed with a lovely young woman. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words:

"Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about. While I was driving along the highway, I saw this young girl here, looking tired and bedraggled,

So I brought her home and made her a meal from the roast beef you had forgotten in the refrigerator. She had only some worn-out sandals on her feet, so I gave her a pair of good shoes you had discarded because they had gone out of style. She was cold, so I gave her the sweater I bought you for your birthday that you never wore because the colors didn't suit you. Her slacks were worn out, so I gave her a pair of yours that were perfectly good but too small for you now.

Then, as the young girl was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, "Is there anything else your wife doesn't use anymore?"

A Man's Guide to Female English

We need = I want

It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now

Do what you want = You'll pay for this later

We need to talk = I need to complain

Sure...Go ahead = I don't want you to

I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!

You're ... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot

You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?

I'm not emotional! And I'm not over reacting! = I've got my period

Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs

This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house

I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.....

I need wedding shoes = the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white

Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!

I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep

Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive

How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like

I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.

Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful

You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me

Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead.]

Yes = No

No = No

Maybe = No

I'm sorry = You'll be sorry

Do you like this recipe? = It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it

Was that the baby?= Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep

I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important

All we're going to buy is a soap dish = It goes without saying that we're stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to look at a few new purses, and those pink sheets would look great in the bedroom and did you bring your checkbook?

The Answer To a Female Saying "What's Wrong?":
The same old thing = Nothing

Nothing = Everything

Everything = My PMS is acting up

Nothing, really = It's just that you're such a pain in the butt

I don't want to talk about it = Go away, I'm still building up steam!

Letters on Chest

A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red "H" on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue "Y" on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green "M" on her chest. "Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor. "No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin. Why do you ask?"

How To Shower Like a Man Short version:

1.Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile on the floor.

2.Walk to bathroom wearing a towel. If you see your girlfriend/wife along the way, flash her.

3.Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs and abs.

4.Turn on the water.

5.Check for pecs and abs again. (no)

6.Get in the shower.

7.Don't bother to look for a washcloth. (you don't use one)

8.Wash your face, then armpits.

9.Crack up at how loud fart sounds in the shower.

10.Wash your penis and surrounding area.

11.Wash your ass.

12.Shampoo your hair. (do not use conditioner)

13.Make a shampoo Mohawk (if possible).

14.Open the door and look at yourself in the mirror (but avoid eye contact with penis as you know about shrinkage).

15.Pee (in the shower)

16.Rinse off and get out of the shower.

17.Return to the bedroom wearing a towel, if you pass your girlfriend/wife, pull off the towel, grab your wiener, go "Yeah Baby" and thrust your pelvis at her.

Long version:

Replace #10 with: Masturbate using soap.

Clinton Goes to Hell

One day Bill Clinton had a heart attack and died. He immediately went to hell, where the devil was waiting for him. "I don't know what to do here," said the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've some couple folks down here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take that person's place. I'll even let you decide which one leaves." Clinton thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the first room. In it was Ted Kennedy in a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed. Over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell. "No," Bill said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long." The devil led him to the next room. In it was Newt Gingrich with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented Bill. The devil opened a third door. In it, Clinton saw Jesse Jackson, lying on the floor with his arms raised over his head, and his legs in a spread eagle position. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. Clinton looked in disbelief and finally said, "Yeah, I pick this one." The devil smiled and said, "Ok, Monica, you're free to go."

Having an Affair

A married man and his secretary were having an affair. One afternoon they couldn't contain thier passion, so they rushed over to her place where they spent the afternoon making love.

When they were finished, they fell asleep, not waking up until 8 o'clock. They got dressed quickly. Then the man told his secretary to take his shoes outside and rub them on the lawn. Bewildered, she did, but was very confused.

The man finally got home and his wife met him at the door. Upset, she asked where he'd been. The man replied, "I canot tell a lie. My secretary and I are having an affair. Today we left work early, went to her place, spent the afternoon making love, and then fell asleep. That's why I'm late."

The wife looked at him, took notice of his shoes and yelled, "I can see those grass stains on your shoes. You liar! You've been playing golf again, haven't you?"

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