|- Adult Jokes -|
An escaped convict, imprisoned for 1st degree murder had spent 25 years of his life sentence in prison. While on the run, he broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom.
He tied the man to a chair on one side of the room and his wife on the bed on the other side of the room. He got on the bed and whispered something in her ear to which she replied, "Yes."
Suddenly he got up and left the room.
As soon as he had a chance, the husband made his way across the room with the chair in tow, and turned to his pretty young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown.
He whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend as if you like it. Whatever you do don't fight him or make him mad. Our lives depend on it!"
"Dear", the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you feel that way. He told me he thinks you're really cute and asked me if we keep the Vaseline in the bathroom".
A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart for Valentine's day, but they had not been dating very long. After careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: romantic but not too personal. Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Nordstrom's and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself.
During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note:
"I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons but she wears short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year! I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night." All my love.
P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.
I Wear The Pants
A young couple, just married was in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As Emma undressed for bed, the husband tossed his pants to his bride and said, "Here put these on."
She said "What?"
He said "Put these on."
She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your pants", she said.
"That's right!" said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in the family!"
With that, she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on." He tried them on, and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecap. He said "Hell, I can't get into your panties."
She said, "That's right and that's the way its going to be until your attitude changes!"
The Life Of And Egg
If you think life is bad...
How would you like to be an egg?
You only get laid once.
You only get eaten once.
It takes four minutes to get hard.
Only two minutes to get soft.
You share your box with 11 other guys.
But worst of all...
the only chick that ever sat on your face was your mother!!!
So cheer up, your life isn't that bad!!!
Pass it around to someone who you feel can use a good lay, I mean day!!!
The Woman's Hotel
Four beautiful ladies walked into a hotel to stay in for the night, the name of the hotel read, "Pleasure Giving Hotel For Women" The ladies were sold on the idea, and walked in.
On the first floor a sign read, 'the men on this floor are not good at having sex, but are very gentle and very tempting'.
The ladies were not satisfied and they walked to the second floor where a sign read, 'the men on this floor are good at having sex but are very rude and self-considerate'
The ladies were once again not satisfied and went on to the third floor where a sign said, 'There are nothing wrong with the men on this floor, they're good at having soft sex they are very nice, gentle and hot'. The four ladies were tempted to go in but decided to go to the last floor to see what was in it.
When they got there they saw a sign that said, 'There is absolutaly no one on this floor, this floor was just made to show that there is no way to please a woman'
Three men are on a road trip when they pull over to stay at a hotel that they see. They go in and see the lady who apparently runs the joint and they ask her for a vacant room.
She replied, "Sure, but only if you DON'T go into the basement!".
The men agree and she gives them a room.
That night, the men are so curious that they sneak into the basement... only to find that it's full of chopped off dicks!! The woman that runs the places sees them and says, "Okay, now I'm going to have to add you all to my collection."
She asks the first man, "What does YOUR father do for a living?" and he says "Well, my dad is in the lawnmoving business."
So the woman finds a lawnmover and off goes his dick.
The woman asks the second man, "What does YOUR father do for a living?" and he replies in tears "My dad is in the tool supply industry."
So she finds a saw and off goes his dick.
The woman then turns to the third guy only to see that he is laughing hysterically! "Why the hell are you laughing?!? Don't you know what's going to happen to you!?!"
He smiles and says, "Yeah, my dad is in the lollipop business - you're gonna hafta suck mine off!"
- 7 -
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