|- Adult Jokes -|
Little Johnny was 12 years old and like other boys his age rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about 'courting' from the older boys, and he wondered what it was and how it was done. One day he took his question to his mother, who became rather flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny, she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend.
This he did.
The following morning, Johnny described everything to his mother. 'Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for a while, then he turned off most of the lights. Then he started kissing and hugging her. I figured Sis must be getting sick, because her face started looking funny. He must have thought so too, because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just the way the doctor would. Except he's not as smart as the doctor because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart.
'I guess he was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must of been cold because he put it under her skirt. About this time Sis got worse and began to moan and sigh and squirm around and slide down toward the end of the couch. This was when her fever started. I knew it was a fever, because Sis told him she felt really hot.
'Finally, I found out what was making them so sick-- a big eel had gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there, about 10 inches long, honest anyway, he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away. 'When Sis saw it, she got really scared -- her eyes got big, and her mouth fell open, and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. She said it was the biggest one she's ever seen; I should tell her about the ones down at the lake.
'Anyway, Sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off. All of a sudden she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eel's head to keep it from biting again. '
Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor lock on it and he helped by lying on top of the eel.
'The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squashing it between them.
'After a while they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend got up, and sure enough, they killed the eel. I knew because it just hung there, limp, and some of its insides were hanging out.
'Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went back to courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again. By golly, the eel wasn't dead! It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats -- they have nine lives or something. This time, Sis jumped up and tried to kill it by sitting on it. After a 35 minute struggle, they finally killed the eel. I knew it was dead, because I saw Sis's boyfriend peel its skin off and flush it down the toilet.' (His mother fainted)
A woman decided to have a face lift for her birthday. She spent $5000 and felt really good about the results. On her way home she stopped at a dress shop to look around. As she was leaving, she said to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 35," was the reply.
"I'm actually 47," the woman said, feeling really happy.
After that she went into McDonalds for lunch and asked the order taker the same question. He replied, "Oh, you look about 29."
"I am actually 47!" she said, feeling really good.
v While standing at the bus stop she asked an old man the same question. He replied, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a woman's age. If I put my hand up your skirt I will be able to tell your exact age".
There was no one around, so the woman said, "What the hell?" and let him slip his hand up her skirt. After feeling around for a while, the old man said, "OK, You are 47."
Stunned, the woman said, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?"
The old man replied, "I was behind you in line at McDonalds!"
Little Johnny II
Little Johnny is in Math class.
The teacher, who is an absolutely stunning brunette in her early 20's, with a schoolgirls uniform on, asks Johnny, "If there are 4 birds on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many are left?"
Johnny replies "None".
Teacher says "I don't think you understand, If you shoot one of the birds, there will then only be three left"
Johnny replies, "No maam, when you fire the gun, all the birds will leave."
Ths stunning teacher scratches her chin and says to Johnny "I like the way you think"
Johnny then says to the teacher "You're married, can I ask you a question?"
She replies yes. Johnny says "Three women are eating ice cream cones; one is licking it, one is biting it, and the other is sucking on it, which one is married"?
The teacher blushes and says "I suppose it would be the one that is sucking it."
Johnny says "No, actually it's the one with the wedding ring, but I like the way you think."
Condom Ad Slogans
25. Cover your stump before you hump.
24. Before you attack her, wrap your whacker.
23. Don't be silly, protect your willy.
22. When in doubt, shroud your spout.
21. Don't be a loner, cover your boner.
20. You can't go wrong, if you shield your dong.
19. If your not going to sack it, go home and whack it.
18. If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey.
17. If you slip between her thighs, condomize.
16. It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter.
15. She won't get sick, if you wrap your dick.
14. If you go into heat, package your meat.
13. While your undressing venus, dress up your penis.
12. When you take off her pants and blouse, suit up your mouse.
11. Especially in December, gift wrap your member.
10. Never ever deck her, with an unwraped pecker.
9. Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool.
8. The right selection, is to protect your erection.
7. Wrap it in foil, before checking her oil.
6. A crank with armor, will never harm her.
5. If you really love her, wear a cover.
4. Don't make a mistake, cover your snake.
3. Sex is cleaner with a packaged wiener.
2. If you can't shield your rocket, leave it in your pocket.
1. No glove, No love.
A man walks into a sperm bank with a gun and a ski mask on.
He tells the attendant to open up the safe.
She replies, "This is a sperm bank. I don`t have money in there."
The man tells her to open up a container or he will shoot her. She does just what she was told. Now the man tells her to drink it. She reluctantly does so.
At this the man takes off his mask. She realizes it was her husband and he says, "See, now was that so hard!"
Pierre The Fighter Pilot
Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine.
It's a beautiful day, and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says: "Pierre kiss me!" Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot wine and splashes it on Marie's Lips. "What are you doing, Pierre?" says the startled Marie. "I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!" She smiles and they start kissing.
When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower."
Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts. "Pierre! What are you doing?" asks the bewildered Marie. "I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine!"
They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up.
Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me lower!" Our hero rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac, and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on fire. Marie shrieks and dives into the river.
Standing waist deep in the water, Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously, "Pierre, what in the hell do you think you're doing?" Our hero stands up, defiantly, and says, "I am Pierre the fighter pilot! If I go down, I go down in flames!"
- 9 -
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